Less than 48 hours till 2017
It's been such a long time, I know. That's the thing with writing; sometimes you're inspired, and sometimes, life takes over. I finally found a moment to sit, and reflect on the year that is currently coming to an end:
On just about every social media I sign on to, 95% of the people are complaining about how shitty this year has been. At first, I was like "Whattt? This year was bad for you guys? It was great for me!" Then, I had time to think, and like...while it wasn't terrible, there have definitely been some rough patches. But who ever has a completely stress free, smooth sailing year? Exactly.
I'm currently sitting in my bed and I should be working on an assignment for school due tomorrow. Yes, I know! How in the world am I on "Christmas break" still doing homework?! My school decided that since this is about to be our last semester, they should squeeze in an online winter course. How thoughtful of them right? Wrong *rolls eyes*. Speaking of school, this was probably one of the most stressful semesters I've had in a while. I actually had a breakdown about school like last week. I had SO much work to do in SO little time, on top of being a full time teacher, and trying to still chase my other dreams on the side.It was TEW MUCH. I felt genuinely overwhelmed.
A week prior to this breakdown, I had a conversation with my mom about all that I was internally struggling with, and she gave me the best advice ever: Give it all to God. Now, I've never been the super religious type. I believe in God and have my own personal relationship with Him, as well as various beliefs that may or may not intertwine with Christianity. Either way, I pray daily. But I usually pray in my head. My mother suggested having a moment a few times a week, where I lock my door, turn off my phone, and talk to God, out loud. Let him HEAR me. And so, last week, I did. I locked my door, shut off my phone, sat up in my bed, and spoke. I cried, I asked questions, I expressed my insecurities, my feelings, I asked for help, for guidance, I bared my soul. And let me tell you...I felt SO MUCH BETTER. Speaking to the higher power you believe in in your head, is so much different than speaking to them out loud. I felt like He could finally hear me. I felt in my heart like He was really listening to me. And I needed that reassurance more than I even knew I did.
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I think this year has tried me, emotionally and mentally. Over the past few months, it has become more and more obvious to me that I have some form of Anxiety Disorder. I always knew something was off, but my recent experiences justified it. In addition to that, I'm also pretty sure I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome attached to the Anxiety. In other words, every time I get anxious or feel uneasy, I have to use the bathroom. Like, every single time. Once I came to this realization, it hit me about something else; that's why my weight keeps fluctuating. After my break up in April, I started going to the gym heavy, and finally reached my goal weight of 132 pounds. Then, I stopped going to the gym, and life started doing weird things, and I currently weigh 117 pounds, the smallest I've been in while. I still look decent, but I know its not where I want to be. So I hired a personal trainer, and starting in 2 weeks, I'll be back in the gym getting my weight back up, and my adrenaline flowing. I found that when I was in the gym a lot, I was a naturally happier person. Exercising has so many benefits, and I want to be back in a place where I not only look good, but feel even better.
QuarterLifer Epiphany #5 : Your Health Is Your Wealth
My mind is like, all over the place right now. I have so much to say, and writing gives me the space to say it all with no judgments. I've been struggling with something - overthinking. I overthink in all my relationships so much that it literally drives me crazy. I wish there was a way to un-know or un-see certain things. But I just remind myself that there's a reason for everything. God wanted me to go through certain things because it will benefit me, some how, some way. I've been letting my hurt and pain from the past effect how I move in my current situation. Being scared of going down a particular road again; that fear of repeating the same mistakes. It's like, I feel like I've been so dumb before, that I want to make sure I get it right this time and not end up a fool, again. Every time something looks familiar, in a bad way, I shut down or go off. My efforts to protect my heart have been kind of counterproductive in a sense. In other words, I really and truly need to learn how to RELAX. I need to woosah. Breath. Stretch. Shake. And LET IT GO.
I need to understand that everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has the capacity to grow and learn from them. I just want to be a calmer, more level headed individual. I don't want to go from 0-100 that quick. I want to be able to have sensible, rational conversations with people, even if they aren't going my way. I have so much to offer, and deserve so much, and being this way is just distracting me from the bigger picture - happiness. It's not to say that everything is excusable, or that every time people mess up with you, it should always, automatically be forgiven. But damn, Syd, take a breather sometimes and think things through before reacting. This has been one of my biggest struggles, and though I have definitely improved, I know I still have ways to go. And I refuse to give up on myself. Even if other people have/will.
Looking ahead, Im super excited about the future. I'm aware of my strengths and the really awesome things about myself, as well as the things that need to improve in order to live the life I both want and deserve. Another documentary is in the works, just wait on it. I've taken a leap and started going after some of my hidden dreams, so stay tuned for that ;). I'm working on getting an apartment in the upcoming year, and a new car soon after. I'll be graduating with my Masters in May and I can't wait to be done with school; #MastersMami soon come! I'm just ready to improve all the relationships in my life, but the most important relationship is the one i have with myself, for that is a reflected into all my other relationships. All in all, 2016 has been quite the trying year, but it didn't get me out the paint. If anything, it was just the push I needed to get my shit together. 2017, I'm ready for you bro.
